I’m trying to do something that is particularly hard right now. I’m trying to simultaneously get back to who I was while growing into who I want to be. I know, what? That doesn’t even make sense. Bear with me a minute, okay.
I am not a perfect person. Not even close. I have so many flaws sometimes I can’t even keep on top of them. I have fought and fought and fought this urge that I’m not good enough and that certain parts of my personality are the reasons that I will never make it.
The one thing I have always had, though, is my compassion, my heart, my empathy, and my ability to listen and desire to understand people.
Lately, I have been shrinking back into my shell a little and feeling like the world is against me. That in turn makes me sceptical and distrusting of people. I judge, and I don’t let people in too far, and I don’t trust people enough. I hide, avoid, and I run away.
That’s not me, though.
I’ve always loved people and trying to understand them, help them and just listen. I’ve always loved hearing their stories and piecing together what makes other’s tick. It’s why I took Journalism, well, part of the reason.
Look, I’m not saying I’m necessarily the best with people but I try. I try so hard because I’m not the best at communicating sometimes. I over-compensate because I really do want to.
Like I said, I’ve been shrinking away lately. That hurts. It hurts because I made so much progress during the three years I spent at university and what I really didn’t want to let go of was the person I had become. It was hard because coming back to Brighton felt like letting go of that person and shrinking back to the one I had been. The one I had been so desperate to leave behind.
I don’t have to be that person, though. I can take the parts I want. The friendly, kind, compassionate, ‘sees the world through rose-tinted glasses’, excitable, bubbly person I always was as a kid. I can combine that person with the one I became at university, and then I can add the pieces of the person I am still becoming, right here, right now, at 25.
Be so committed to constantly growing into the person you wish to be, but never let the world turn you away from the person you are. Don’t let it darken your spirits or dull your sparkle. Shine as the star you have always been and the one you have yet to be. They don’t have to be mutually exclusive. Exist as all of the pieces and parts you collect along the way and leave some room for the ones you have yet to pick up. Remember to always grow but never stray completely from who you began as.
Most importantly, be and live as the kind of person who makes you happy and that both the younger version of you, and the present one can be proud of.
“Time won’t fly, it’s like I’m paralysed by it, I’d like to be my old self again but I’m still trying to find it.”
– Taylor Swift.
Until next time